Monday, June 25, 2012

Rough Month

So this past month has been one from you know where... We finally figured out that Lucca had an infection called cellulitis on his leg and was put on antibiotics for is... The redness and swelling went down but he still isn't weight-bearing on it... The doctor basically told us he doesn't know what is wrong with it. We have done MULTIPLE xrays--no fracture. Bloodwork showing no infection... So hopefully it is just a sprain, which he said would take about 6 weeks to heal. Well , we are on week 4 or 5 now and STILL no weight bearing... very very frustrating.

Also, we went back to see Lucca's new neuro-developmental pediatrician.. He went over his evaluation of Lucca that he did about 4-5 weeks ago. Basically he went over Lucca's past evaluations and compared them to the one he did and said Lucca has been consistantly been progressing at about 20% of his age, meaning his diagnosis is no longer "global developmentally delayed" but is rather "severely mentally retarded". Words a mother NEVER wants to hear. To me it was like OK.. He already isn't able to walk or talk, now you are going to throw in that he is mentally retarded too.. Can it get any worse?! I mean obviously I know it can.. but to me this felt like it couldn't.. that life totally isn't fair for Lucca. Everytime we get a new diagnosis it knocks me right back down to the depressive state I was in when I first found out his Phelan-McDermid diagnosis. Yes I know that God has a plan for us, etc etc. I never forget that, but sometimes a person just needs to break down and get it all out. That's what I need to do, and its so hard to do because alot of people REALLY DON'T understand what we (me and my family) are going through and feel. People can say all day, "everything is going to be ok." "You are going to be fine". "Lucca is going to be fine". I so badly want to say "How do you think you would feel if your child's doctor just told you that your child is "Mentally Retarded"? Another piece of dreams of whatever pieces were left over from the first heart-breaking diagnosis breaks off...Another dream, another hope...gone.
Some people say "Lucca is still the same person he was yesterday." Yes, I know that. I never said he changed. My love for him never changed and it most definitely NEVER will. He is my  heart and soul and I will just have to work harder to give him the best life possible for him. I know the Lord gave Lucca to us, sometimes it is just really hard to not focus on the "WHY is this happening?"..  I am so so so so blessed to have Lucca as MINE. I truly am so lucky God gave him to me. I just wish he didn't have to struggle SO much...

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