Monday, July 25, 2011

My struggle with Faith

A few weekends ago, I did a Bible study on faith with my fellow special needs moms.. It was a huge help for me as I hope it was for them.. Just thought I would share something I wrote to share with them.. I wouldn't say it was my "testimony" but maybe a look into my own personal struggle with finding complete faith..

"It's not easy to have complete faith in God. It took me a WHILLLLEEEE... When I first found out that Lucca had something wrong with his chromosomes, I was glad we finally were headed in the right direction with finding out what was causing his delays, but I was also mad/scared/upset, you name it. Not "at God" per say, but I didn't understand why my child had to have something seriously wrong.

Every day got a little bit easier, I think because I had my parents telling me that he was going to be okay and to stay positive. I knew that I had to be, but in the back of my mind I still wondered "why Lucca?" "why my ONLY child?"

Shortly after finding out all this I got in touch with Tricia Roth and I asked her how she was always so positive and how she stayed so strong, that I felt like it just wasn't fair and wanted to break down every time I thought about it. What she said to me completely changed my perspective and how I looked at my situation. She told me that she knows that even though Bronson (her son) is unable to walk and talk here on earth, she knows that one day in Heaven he will be able to run around and jump on Jesus' lap and talk and have conversations with Him... That is definitely something to look forward to for me! What an awesome day that will be and I soooo cannot wait for it! Ever since then I tried to focus on and remember that. I realized that moping around and being depressed (even though I find myself doing it still sometimes) wasn't going to help Lucca get any better and I started to pray again every night. The more I prayed the better began to feel. I felt a "peace" about everything.

Then once I found out new information about Lucca's condition I felt like I got kicked right back down to where I was when I first found out about his condition. I started having all the same feelings again like "Why does my son have to go through this?" ,"Why did God choose him to have this rare chromosome disorder?" It's not fair that he may never walk or talk, and that he won't have a normal childhood, or life for that matter.

Thankfully I had Christian friends and family sending me Bible verses and reminding me that God sent Lucca to me for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes and He knows what He is doing in and with our lives. I decided to give it ALL to God... REALLY give it all. I prayed that God would use Lucca for His will and to guide me to do what He wants me to do in the process.
I can't explain it, but ever since I said that to God and I truly meant it, I have had that "peace" again that God is in control. I think in my situation God put Lucca in my life to bring me back to Him, and to show me that I can't do it on my own...that I NEED Him. Once He sees that I completely am confiding in Him, He begins to work His miracles.

We can't do it on our own and why should we, when God is there WANTING us to come to Him and ask for His help. He WANTS to help us and take care of us. I truly have put all my faith in God and I honestly feel that everything is going to be okay. NOT worrying is the BEST feeling for me, and knowing without a doubt that God is in control of everything is an incredible feeling!
Sometimes things don't always work out the way WE want them to, but God knows what is best for us.
Until I put complete faith in God, I never had a real peace about this, but now I honestly feel that that God hand picked each of us to take care of His special little children because He knew we would love them like no other and that we would do everything we could to get them all the things they need. He purposefully chose US to be their moms. The least we could do in return is to fully trust in Him to guide us and to take control of our lives.

Just like Abraham in the Bible, God tested his faith by telling him to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. He wanted to see how much faith Abraham had in Him and if he would follow through and offer his own son. When He saw that Abraham was going to sacrifice Isaac, God stopped him. He saw that Abraham completely trusted God's decisions for his life and in return God blessed him and sent a ram to replace Isaac as the sacrifice.
I believe the same goes for our lives. We endure a lot of trials and experience more downhills than uphills but God is doing the same thing. He is testing us to see how strong our faith and trust in Him is and to see how we will react in good AND bad situations. When he sees how faithful we are, even in the hard times, He WILL reward us. But we truly have to believe and KNOW that He will take care of us. "
Hebrews 13:5 "He will never leave us or forsake us."

1 comment:

Lauren said...

Very emotional and awesome post. Im so proud of the mommy and woman you are and to be called your friend. :) There will always be good days and some bad but like you said GOD knew what he was doing, he knew YOU of all people would be such an amazing mommy and a huge inspiration to alot of people through all of this. I love you!!!